WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTOS OF MEDICAL PROCEDURES
My Uncomfortable Reality/ Memories
I remember having a conversation with a friend about my process with healing and recovery. This was very early in my treatment when everything was very new, and I was convinced that life as I knew it was over. He told me to take pictures because I would eventually forget many of the moments I would experience. At that time, I thought that was an absurd thought. How could I ever forget something as impactful as this? However, just the other day, I was looking through my pictures and I was struck when I saw photos of what I looked like just a few months ago. I never really know what it looked like for someone to battle cancer. Know that I have gone through it I can tell you one thing; it ain't pretty. I'd like to share a picture journey of some of the moments I endured over the past year and a half. I have to warn you, it is very difficult to look at some of these pictures.
Colonoscopy
They say all men should have their colon check by 45, and Black men, even sooner. At 38, I was in so much pain on a daily basis that all could focus on everyday was getting to the bottom of it. After several ER visits and a series of inconclusive tests, I was referred to a specialist to get a colonoscopy. Trust me, its every bit as bad as you image it is. On November 7, 2021, I underwent this extremely invasive procedure and woke up from anesthesia to see a doctor with a very concerned look on his face. I got confirmation the following day that I had stage 3 colon cancer and would learn about treatment the following week. November 14th stands out as the day in my mind that it got real. I learned that the plan was for me to receive chemotherapy and radiation treatment to shrink the tumor followed by a two-part surgery to remove it. It was all too much to process which I guess didn't matter because I was scheduled to begin treatment in a matter of weeks regardless of where I was at in my process of acceptance.
Radiation Treatment
I posted this image on Facebook when I completed the radiation treatment which was the first step of my treatment plan. I began the treatment a few weeks after my diagnosis, and I remember feeling so exhausted that I would only get out of bed for that and to go to the bathroom. I had never really been hospitalized prior to this experience and I remember feeling powerless although hopeful that the treatments would calm the pain that had come to dominate my life. The radiation itself was painless but the nausea and vomiting is real. When I took this picture, I really felt demoralized and dreading the prospect of a surgery I had been informed would be the final step of my treatment plan. I knew it would get worse before it got better.
Chemotherapy
Chemo is what I would think of whenever I imagined treatment for a person with cancer. I envisioned the process to basically be an IV infusion which led to inevitable hair loss. I never lost my hair. I actually decided to cut it because I took frequent baths which was the most tried to true way to combat pain. It became very difficult to manage my hair, so I let it go. Letting go of my hair was symbolic for letting go of some things in my life that were no longer serving me. In retrospect, this was one of the most manageable phases of my treatment. Aside the numbness and extreme sensitivity to cold, the side effects of the chemo were some of the mildest of the three phases.
Surgery
The surgery was by far the most challenging and painful part of the process. On August 10th, 2022, I had a partial colectomy performed and an ileostomy bag installed to allow for healing at the surgery site. An ileostomy is typically temporary as opposed to a colostomy which is often permanent. It was removed on December 9th, beginning the longest four months of my life. Being unable to perform one of the most basic body functions is truly humbling but also led to a new perspective on appreciating the basics. Having my life dominated by things that are conversational taboos left me feeling a type of isolation I had never experienced before. Some battles are fought alone, and this was defiantly one of those times. I continued to experience new lows when I thought things couldn't get any worse. Time after time, I thought I had hit rock bottom. And time after time I was wrong.
Infection
Almost immediately after the surgery I began to experience some of the sharpest pain I would have throughout the entire process. I tried to tough it out but eventually found myself in the emergency room undergoing tests to find the source of the pain. I had developed an infection at the surgery site and had to have a drain inserted into my buttocks. It would remain there the majority of the 4 month I wore the ileostomy bag. So, I had an ostomy bag hooked to my gut and a tube in my butt cheek. Guess how much I slept! Not much. I was in the hospital about a week out of each month and had pain in so many places on my body I lost track. I had lost as much as 50 pounds from my normal weight. Certainly, things couldn't get worse, right? Keep scrolling and brace yourself.
Prolapsed stoma
While in the hospital to get assessed for the pain that would eventually be discovered to be an infection, I thought that things had gotten as bad as they could get. Once again, I was wrong. Some of my symptoms were nausea and vomiting and on one occasion I vomited with such force that it caused my stoma to prolapse. The stoma is the portion of intestine that was extracted in order to divert fecal matter to the ostomy bag. It was originally the size of a quarter and was actually supposed to get smaller. However, each time I would vomit or sneeze I ran the risk of protruding even further. They were unable reverse the prolapse and it would continue to protrude until the reversal surgery.
The longest four months of my life was concluded on one of the most anticipated days of my life. I underwent the second surgery with hopes of getting my normal life back. Again, there was so much more ahead than I anticipated. The hole left in my belly where the stoma used to be was a grizzly site and more painful than I can put into words. I also continued having the phantom pain and found myself in the emergency room at least monthly for the next few months. I struggled with digesting both food and liquids, so I constantly struggled to stay hydrated. I continued to be underweight and my energy was very low. But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! I had survived the entire treatment and I could finally start to think about establishing a new norm in my life. I would soon learn that new norm would define my reality moving forward. My body would never be the same.
Recovered
April 2023 marked my return to relative normalcy. I emphasize the relative part. Having had a portion of my colon removed has forever change the function of my digestive system. I wrestle with whether or not I made the right decision to let them operate on me. I guess what's do is done. All I can do know is lern from my experience. Memories were being made the entire time regardless of how I felt. And no matter how bad I got these two kept a smile on my face. They say you can appreciate pleasure more after you experience great pain. I know this to be a profound truth. One day I will recall these moments and be in disbelief that it was me. I imagine you probably looked at some of these images and felt disbelief as well. Well, they are real, and they are me. They are now part of my story. It's always a little easier to tell a story when you give people something to look at.
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